K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
