Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
