I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
