Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I need water and some morals
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
