I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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