And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
love makes seman taste better
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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