Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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