I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize