Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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