So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
lol hangovers are for mortals.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
