How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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