You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
