So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
