Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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