i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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