Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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