I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
