I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
