saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
