yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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