through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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