Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's official drugs can't kill me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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