she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
These tits shall not be calmed
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
