I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
