VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize