She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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