I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
