they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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