Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
