The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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