The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think your dad took our porno
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
