remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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