Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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