Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
