He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
