he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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