Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
