How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
