you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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