so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
