It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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