I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
