at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize