That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
