the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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