Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
