Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
