I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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