my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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