come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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