the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
