if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
