Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
