WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
