Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
