Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
