I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
