Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There's always time for handjobs
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
