I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
