this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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