Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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