Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I smell like Dick and happiness
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