Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
