$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
