If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
