woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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