so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
