I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
