Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
