does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
