found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm passing your future prison.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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